If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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