my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
