you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
