The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just had sex on a roof
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize