Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
