just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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