Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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