Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
