im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
