You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
