you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
