Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
