I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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