the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Did we literally take a cab across the street
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
