Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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