she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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