i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
