Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
