I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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