Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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