I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
