I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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