dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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