birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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