My liver just broke up with me...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
