I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Sorry my hands just texted you
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
