Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
