$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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