My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
