We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
