I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
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Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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