Dude my mom stole all your condoms
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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