you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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