There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
