I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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