I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
