yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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