God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
