Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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