I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
