I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
