im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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