we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
