She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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