Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
