Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
