I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My vagina just clenched in fear
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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