I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
