I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
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I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
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Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I forget how to act sober
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