You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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