put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dicks are not precious.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
