I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
