....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
