awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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