phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
