I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
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