I wish my penis had an off switch
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
