the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize