I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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