When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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